Your place in this world

A question from a very dear friend of mine just stroked me today:
"Do you know where your place in this world is?"

(Couldn't you ask me a more difficult question, Honey?? :-P)

Honestly, I don't know.
I always think of myself of a natural being who is floating around in the history of humankind. And I have no slightest clue on where I am going to. I would love to be able to give a clear answer, but I simply can't. I've been searching for an answer to that question myself. How could a blind person describe to another person a place that he/she can not see?

It is sad, isn't it? After living for almost 30 years in this world, I still can not find the answer of where my place is... And probably I will never find the answer until the Angel of Death pays me a once in a lifetime visit!

But, I can surely tell you that I would not stop on that point of 'nowhere to go'. Sometimes, life gave me pieces and bits of the answer. Or at least, a 'hint' to an answer. Many people might disagree, but for me, there were hints everywhere: pieces and bits that were helping me to discover who I was and in that matter were also giving me a sense of direction.

So, I think, and this is special for you, my very dear friend, I would like you to see one of the pieces and bits I found in my life journey: a song by John Denver, "Sweet Surrender".

Lost and alone on some forgotten highway
traveled by many remembered by few
Looking for something that I can believe in
Looking for something that I'd like to do with my life
There's nothing behind me and nothing that ties me
To something that might have been true yesterday
Tomorrow is open right now it seems to be more than enough
For just be here today
I don't know what the future is holding in store
I don't know where I'm going
I'm not sure where I've been
There's a spirit to guide me a life that shines for me
My life is worth to live in
I don't need to see the end

Sweet, sweet surrender
Live, live without care
Like a fish in the water
Like a bird in the air

Wonderful, isn't it, being 'free' as a bird and a fish? I might not know where my place is, but I can tell you the message of life from this song is strikingly clear for me: Sweet surrender...

Vita brevis, carpe diem!
(Life is short, seize the day!)

Calme des nuits

Have you ever walked under the moonlight?
The evening breeze blew slowly,
and you suddenly saw the world in a different view?

In that moment, the world seemed so calm,
and yet you were thrilled by the clear voice of silence.....

And at one time you were deeply charmed
by the brightness of the moonlight,
and you paused from the pace of history of humankind...
You froze, and time stopped...
you created your own space and time,
and it felt like eternity?

Just listen how the silence speaks to you...

Calme des nuits fraîcheur des soirs,
(Stillness of the night, cool of the evening)
Vaste scintillement des mondes,
(vast shimmering of the spheres)
Grand silence des antres noirs
(great silence of black vaults)
Vous charmez les âmes profondes.
(deep thinkers delight in you)

L’éclat du soleil, la gaieté,
(The bright sun, merriment)
Le bruit plaisent aux plus futiles;
(and noise amuse the more frivolous;)
Le poète seul est hanté
(only the poet is possessed)
Par l’amour des choses tranquilles*.
(by love of quiet things)

Is it true, that only poet is possessed by the beauty of stillness?
I am not a poet, I am just a dreamer. But I think somehow,that voice of silence has spoken to me...

And I wish I could share its beauty-the stillness of the night's- with you:

The beauty of wonderful things around us that we passed by so easily,
as our mind was being occupied by what seemed more important in lives
than those simple little things?

*A song composed by Camille Saint-Saëns (1835-1921)

Broken teeth

A nightmare, or a short moment of happiness?

I was in pain at that time...

I just fell on the floor and I broke about five of my teeth. I had to see a doctor, because they kept bleeding. But somehow I met you, and everybody in my dream seemed to know that I love you, and still in love with you.

I was really scared when actually the people around me were trying to find you. They wanted you to help me. They asked you to drive me to a doctor. Why you? I didn't know. Maybe because they were sure you would like to help, or they were sure that you cared.

Somehow I was reluctant to be helped by you. I was scared that you would see my broken front teeth, and then you would see it as an ugly sight of me. You said that I was beautiful, and I wanted to keep it that way.

"Why are you so quiet?" you asked me when you were taking me to the dentist.

"Oh, no! Please, don't look at me," I thought. I didn't want you to look at me when I was bleeding and ugly. Bleeding, broken, and ugly...
But somehow, although I kept quiet, you got closer and hugged me...

It was warm and tender, you know...Your hug was warm and tender...And suddenly I knew it in my heart, there was one simple true fact: you loved me.

Yes, YOU LOVE ME...and that's what I believe in, and I have promised myself that I would fight for that...
Eventhough I would have to face having some broken teeth one time, because of somebody suddenly punched me on my face; or because I was hit by a car, or...because I was just simply beaten by the natural process of aging...

Viva Excessimus!

Yesterday, Saturday, 22 April 2006, was Excessimus's concert. I have devoted myself as one of the 'eerste sopranen' of this choir, one the highest tone contributors among the female singers. I joined this choir in Groningen since September 2005. Since then, it has been an amazing experience.

How did it start, actually?

Well, did you ever feel like you were urged to go somewhere? I felt like that when I decided to come to the open repetition of this choir. I had watched the performers of another choir that has a quite good standard of vocal training. But I always doubted of even trying to enter that choir. Why? I never know. I just didn't feel like it. But as soon as I met the first person of Excessimus, I said to myself, "I think I belong here!". And maybe, it is because of the people, the other members of the choir, and the atmosphere of the rehearsal.

I started it quite hard, because, of course, they all speak Dutch. Although I could follow the general lines of their conversations, I still struggled to catch the joke phrases of the conductor, and to understand the actually content of a meeting. But yesterday, it paid off, for some pretty good reasons:

1. We were singing in a beautiful catholic church, Josefkerk. This church has a combination of having great acoustic and a magical atmosphere. Since the first moment I stepped into that church, few years ago, I said to myself: "One day, I want to sing in this church!". So it was like a dream come true.

2. We were singing a complete REQUIEM by DURUFLE: from Introitus up to In Paradisum. WOW! It was the first time I was singing a complete work of a composer. Usually in Indonesia we sang only one or two parts of a complete work; Hallelujah or Since by man came death from Messiah by Handel, a part of Creation by Haydn. But never any full Oratorio, Requiem, or Kyrie. So, it was again, another dream came true!

3. We were singing with a PIPE ORGAN. Can you believe it? A pipe organ! I have never sung before in Indonesia with such an instrument! I was really thrilled listening to the combination that piece of instruments with our choir. Another great dream came true!

4. Music is my first love...Yup! My true first love! There were many days that I was down. Music made me feel excited again, because I believed that whatever happened to me, nobody and nothing could take away what I always had in my soul: my music!

"Thank you for the music, the song we're singing..." (ABBA)

5. And I give thanks to THE DIVINE GOD who put music in human beings! I always feel that there is no such thing as 'pure coincidence'. So I believe that my chance to sing in this choir is also one of his gifts for me who has been far away from home...Some gifts of 'beauties and pains' that God has been pouring into my life....

Roisin Dubh

I 'baptized' my blog with the name of 'Roisin Dubh'. It is a title of a song, originally an Irish traditional song. The meaning of Roisin Dubh is Black Rose.

Doesn't sound like a cheerful name, does it?

But of course, I chose a name not because it is simply a name. This name is marking my stage of being entirely captured by Irish music, or Celtic music. This type of music gave me a sense of deep longing and strong chills that I can not describe, which I never had with any other type of music before . And it has been haunting me since....

And for the first time, I wished I was born Irish. Every time I heard their music, I felt like I was brought back 'home'. A home that I have never set my foot on before.
Mystical magical tune...
And for the first time my strong love for music has put me under a spell...I became sick of love, of love tunes...and I can never turn back....It is something painful and beautiful at the same time....And that's life isn't it? Beautiful and painful at the same time?
................

Roisin Dubh, is Black rose.

I heard this song for the first time through the sweet voice of Michael McGlynn. It has a very simple melody, with a tune of an acoustic guitar, accompanied by background of pure female voices of singers of ANUNA. But the blend of those components is just perfect! Below is the complete lyrics of the song. I wish you could hear the sound while reading it....
So, enjoy! Enjoy the beauty and the pain...

I spent every waking moment with you
I crossed mountains and rivers to be with you
Your voice is the music of the harp, Roisin Dubh
Your voice is the music of the harp, Roisin Dubh

I gave you all the love of my heart
But you left me without strength of mind or fort
Don't fail me, my Roisin Dubh
Don't fail me, my Roisin Dubh

I walked through the dew with you hoping
For love and affection for my weary soul
You said you loved me, Sweet Roisin Dubh
You said you loved me, Sweet Roisin Dubh

All the mountains would shake and the rivers will rise
Waves of blood will wash the sand beneath the skies
All will be destroyed when you died, my Roisin Dubh
All will be destroyed when you died, my Roisin Dubh.....