So lonely...

So lonely, my God, I feel so lonely

Isolated, I'm frustrated
Longing is real
Distance is real
Time is real

So lonely, my God, I feel so lonely...

Groningen, 11:34

Shopping (Berbelanja)

Which one do you want?
(Mau yang mana?)

I want that one
The white one, yes, the one with white skin
Not the black one,
People would think they’re working class
I'm not, I'm rich
(Kalau aku, mau itu
Putih, ya, berkulit putih
Jangan hitam,
Nanti disangka kelas pekerja
Padahal aku kaya)

A girl, or a boy?
(Perempuan, atau laki-laki?)

A boy, I guess
It’s not difficult to prevent him from being pregnant
(Laki-laki saja ya
Gak susah ngaturnya biar tetap perawan)

How about this one?
(Yang ini bagaimana?)

Not that one, his legs are a bit paralyzed
Maybe he got polio once
(Jangan yang itu, kakinya cacat
Pernah polio rupanya)

This one?
(Kalau ini?)

No, he’s too small
Women will not respect him
(Jangan, dia kecil sekali
Nanti dipandang sebelah mata oleh wanita)

How if you can’t get what you want?
(Kalau gak dapat juga?)

Insemination
(Inseminasi)

I’ll look at the sperm donor catalogues
Find an Italian
A handsome one, a football player
So he will be fit and good looking
And white, right, white?
A black one will be inferior
(Buka katalog donor sperma
Cari orang Italia
Ganteng, pemain bola
Biar nanti dia sehat dan elok
Dan putih kan, putih?
Kalau hitam disangka udik)

Why do you bother?
Madonna herself just returned from Malawi
To collect another child
He is really black...
(Kok repot sih?
Madonna saja pulang dari Malawi
Buat mengoleksi anak
Kulitnya hitam kok...)

Groningen, 2:27 AM, 15 November 2006

Conversation

I just spoke to my mother on the phone this afternoon.

She inspired me once again, by saying:

"When you pray, please remember that you should not be dependent on your prayers, but you should be dependent on God's Grace alone..."

Great words, Mom, thank you....
Groningen, 5:55 PM

Like never before

I told a man those words some months ago: Like never before. I told him that I love him in a way that I never felt before. Yeah, never before...

I felt so free, like a bird. Instead of holding myself down, I let myself fly up high to the sky, facing the danger of the storm or being killed by predator. So free...
I think that's why until now I feel like never before: I am so free to love and dare to take the risk of loving-even death, I guess.

*For you there'll be no crying
For you the sun will be shining
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's allright
You know it's allright
And the song birds keep singing like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before...

Could you imagine that I would be in this position? That I would be willing to give up the world for a man? That I would risk my life for him?

To you I would give the world
To you I'd never be cold
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's allright
I know it's right
And the song birds keep singing like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before...

And in any way, I never picture paradise if I'd be with him. It's real, full of problems, struggle with life, but in other sense, it's so true. That's why it's so true. I'm not scared nor afraid. I know it's right.

Probably that's why I feel like this, that I love him

Like never before....

*Song birds, sung by Eva Cassidy
Groningen, 3:21 AM
(Can't sleep, you know!)

One Message

My heart is warm, because of one message from you. It's dancing happily around, and I can't control it. Not that I want to control it...

One message from you: a sense of happiness, content, and grateful, that you can have what you have today, nothing else matters. And I am truly happy for that.

You said some time ago, "I'm in darkness. My heart wants to scream". And now I feel the warmth of how happy I am that you are not in darkness anymore, that your heart wants to sing instead of scream....

Thank God for that. Really, thank God...

I can't describe how I feel right now, and I'm not able to find fancy words that suit it best. But I don't care, really, don't care. I'm so grateful that you can feel like that! And that's enough for me that it touched my heart and soul deeply...
That I cried...that you can feel that kind of joy...

I love you, and I guess I always do.

In this way, I feel the warmth in my heart that you can have such a joyful moment, and it's not even about me. Not about me. I don't care...And I want to face my day today with the awareness that you are happy, and that makes me happy too.....

I love you, and I guess I always do.
Reading your message made me realize that: I always do.

Groningen, 2:46 PM